I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
