How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
from now on my penis is your penis
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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