the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
