can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
