were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
