Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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