My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
