Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
