Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
