I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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