Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
