Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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