I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
