i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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