I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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