I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
