What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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