I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
