The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
