He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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