The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
