I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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