I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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