I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
