i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
