it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
