i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
