Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The ass gains better be worth it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
