here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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