i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
