She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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