I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
