I never want to see another naked old woman again.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
