Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
