You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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