i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
