Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
