Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
