I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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