my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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