Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
