my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
