Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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