I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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