You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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