there's paper in my vomit.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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