i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There's always time for handjobs
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
