When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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