Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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