We're like a lot better than the average bears
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
