"it" just moved
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
