took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
