Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
