Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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