dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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