the day after is always just damage control
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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