Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
