My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Randomize
