My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
